After A While

I have been wanting to write this for so long. But I never got enough motivation to do so. Now, after watching a whole season of a TV series, I know I'm ready to write.

For the past months I believe I'm not truly okay. There are certain things that happened which hurt me and made it hard for me to be okay. For some, it might not be a big deal but for me, being betrayed by a friend is a big deal.

Everyone might have experienced the same… trusting someone, telling them almost everything about you, letting them know the deep parts of yourself especially your thoughts and feelings and suddenly, they do something that makes you want to take everything back. It is painful. It makes you feel like you're a mess for deciding to trust them. Everything just makes you feel like you are such a disappointment. It is indeed a risk to befriend someone and with that comes the responsibility for making that friendship real. Years, months, weeks, days...it's not determined by "how long" but "how pure the intentions are". For me,  it took months to take the risk and trust someone. That length of time has been enough to see how pure the intentions are but as they say, "You can never be sure." And being hurt by someone you trust will put the uncertainty in front of you.

It is easy to forgive, but what's not easy is to forget. Our memory isn't as kind as our hearts can be. It will always haunt you especially the extreme ones: the happiest and the most painful. But what’s nice about our memory is that it will show you the many good things that someone has done to you and it will make you realize that one mistake is nothing compared to the good ones. Though it can't be as kind as our hearts, it can still be our hearts' best buddy.

Yeah, being betrayed is painful, but asking for apology in a sincere manner is a sign of having a pure intention. And being able to forgive, is a sign too. If the friendship truly values for both parties, the pain will make it's way out. Like trust, healing is not a matter of time, it is a matter of willingness to heal. And when you do, you will be brave to risk and trust again even though you know that you are vulnerable.

What have I learned? Or should I say, what does this experience reminds me? We are all fragile. Time does not heal all wounds because God does. And if you really value someone that much, you will always choose to forgive.