-
Gusto natin maging masaya. Sino ba naman sa atin ang gusto ng kalungkutan? Dahil dito, mas pinipili nating tingnan ang kagandahan ng mga bagay at mas gusto nating umasa na lahat ay magiging maayos. Sapat na nga bang piliin at umasa sa "bright side" sa lahat ng pagkakataon? O kailangan din namang maging bukas sa realidad ng buhay na hindi parating maliwanag?

Simula nung unang namulat ang mata ko sa kalungkutan ng buhay, itinatak ko sa aking isip na kailangan kong tingnan ang "bright side" ng kalungkutang nararanasan ko. Hanggang sa matutunan kong maging tunay na masaya, naniwala ako sa "bright side". Kadikit nun ang pag-asa kong lahat ng mangyayari sa akin ay may "bright side". Ngunit ngayong unti-unti ko nang naiintindihan ang realidad ng buhay, unti-unti rin nawala sa mga pangyayari ang kinang ng "bright side" nito. Ilang beses na din na naging blanko na ang lahat, wala ni katiting na liwanag. Tila nawalan ng silbi ang mga mata ko, hindi man lang kinayang mag-adjust sa dilim ng paligid.  Mahirap, masakit, nakakatakot. Sa sobrang kadiliman, nakakatulugan ko na lang ang takot at lungkot.

Mananaginip. Minsan masaya, minsan malungkot, minsan parang wala lang...walang pakiramdam. At dahil nakakamanhid, nakakalimutan ko ang sakit, saya, lungkot, takot,at maging gutom.

Pero hindi doon natatapos ang lahat. Matatapos ang kung anumang panaginip, magigising na lang ako sa sobrang liwanag. Nakikita ko na ulit ang "bright side". Minsan nga lang, nakakasilaw sa sobrang kinang. Nakakabulag ulit. Yung tipong hindi na mapawi ang kaligayahan kasi limot na ang lahat ng dilim. Kaya naman dapat magshades para di nakakasilaw masyado. Mahirap mabulag. Masakit umasa. Nakakalungkot mabigo.

Sa mga nangyari nitong mga nakaraang araw, linggo at buwan, natutunan kong panindigan ang pagiging girl scout. Magdala ng kandila at posporo kung mawalan ng liwanag at nais kong makita ang paligid. Magbaon ng shades at payong kung kinakailangan para magkubli sa napakakinang na "bright side" at ayaw kong magpasilaw. Naniniwala pa rin naman ako sa "bright side" ng mga bagay-bagay pero ngayon, mas naintindihan ko na may iba-iba rin itong brightness level. At bukod dun, nasa akin ang pagpili kung anong level ang nais ko sa bawat punto ng buhay ko. Minsan, mas pinipili ko ang maging bulag sa dilim dahil sa napagod ako umasa. Nagpapakabulag naman ako sa liwanag kung gusto kong maging masaya. Gayunpaman, ayos din dun sa gitna paminsan-minsan para nakikita ko ang dilim at liwanag. Mas natitimbang ko rin ang mga bagay-bagay na sa bandang huli ay nauuwi sa mas maayos na paghahati-hati ng pagpapahalagang ibibigay ko sa kanila.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Open Letter To The Man Who Makes Me Want To Stay In Love

-
My love, I'm sorry for the past month. It has been very hard for both of us, but look at where we are now. We survived! It has been almost two years since that day in Pangasinan and I am proud to say that we've grown individually and together. These past few days, I wasn't really thinking much about us or about our future which is unusual. I guess it's the thesis and projects that has been taking most of my time. But, you know what? Just recently, I realized certain things in you that makes you beautiful. You are the one who usually use that word (and sometimes the opposite, hahahuhu) to refer to me but now, I'm calling you BEAUTIFUL because you truly are. You are intellectually beautiful, indeed. And I like that very very much about you. Though it's intimidating sometimes, you still challenge me to beat your exam scores which makes me study harder and be the best in school that I can be. The most recent that I can remember is the ABE 72 1st exam in w...
Read more

O.K.

-
"Is it okay if I close my eyes? Is it okay if I take my time just for a little while? - It's Okay, Clara Benin ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MnVNeQiCQE ) Today, I had the opportunity to go out of the house and run errands in Makati (I live in Manila). On  the way, I can't help but feel different emotions rushing through me: happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, hopefulness, gratefulness, among others. I'm happy because I was able to go out and breathe different air. Sad because everything feels different. Makati is a very familiar place to me since I work there but today it was nothing like how I used to remember it. Angry with our government because I saw people on the streets knocking on the car windows, asking for money to help them survive. They weren't supposed to be there; they were supposed to be taken care of by the people in power. But they're not. Frustrated that after almost two months, we're still stuck at home without assurance on wh...
Read more

Hands

-
It was as clear as the sea A crystal memory to me That very last time When eveything's fine. I held your hand, My number one fan, Hoping and praying That there'll be no mourning. Still, I hold on I just can't move on I will never let go Dear, I miss you so!
Read more